Le Baroudeur

Despite claiming he had left the race to join his wife, for the imminent birth of their child, it has emerged today that current UCI World Champion Philippe Gilbert, was in fact disqualified from the 2013 Amgen Tour of California yesterday - for breaking strict UCI rules on sock length.

In what is one of the first high profile applications of the new rules (brought in to the sport by the UCI in 2012), Gilbert was disqualified from the race mid-stage, after it was discovered that he was not wearing any socks. When asked to put a pair of white socks on, Gilbert apparently refused and was subsequently ejected from the race with immediate effect, as a result.

Le Baroudeur can exclusively reveal this incident after photographic evidence of a sock-less Gilbert surfaced at the end of the stage. Having calculated out that if Gilbert’s wife had in fact been about to give birth, it seems more than likely he wouldn’t have travelled all the way to California for a couple of days riding in the sun.

When pressed on the issue, an anonymous UCI official later commented:

‘Look, we in the UCI love Gilbert, but he’s got to understand that this isn’t a bloody [sic] triathlon. This is cycling, and in cycling we have certain standards – if you don’t like it, you can literally go home. This is our sport, and we make the rules… Coppi wouldn’t have approved.’

This isn’t the first time Gilbert has flaunted cycling’s notoriously strict fashion laws however - during this seasons Spring Classics he often wore an ‘aero’ helmet that looked more like a mixing bowl with a strap attached.

Le Baroudeur later attempted to call Gilbert for a comment, but he refused to speak to us.

His BMC teammate Taylor Phinney, on the other hand, was keen to air his frustrations with the Swiss based governing body (ed. The UCI), saying:

‘Those Europeans don’t know anything about cool – California invented cool for Christ’s sake. America is all about freedom see, so it really gets on my nerves when these up tight, khaki wearing ‘officials’ come to our bike races and tell my bros they can’t go sockless! They don’t know anything about cycling I guess, but Phil looked really fly and it’s just a shame it all had to end as it did.’

When asked to respond to the UCI officials’ comments, Phinney expanded further,

‘I’m not sayin’ I want to take fashion tips from tri obviously, but it was really hot… Coppi who? He wasn’t trying to copy anyone - he was probably just trying to work on his tan lines. Give him a break dude.’

2013-05-01

streetpussy:

Escort Card 2.

Source: streetpussy

2013-04-30

SLAYING THE BRAD-GER…

Michelle Cound ‏@michellecound 6h: ‘To those claiming that this Wiggins/Froome thing is some sort of publicity stunt, you are wrong.’

Unless Michelle Cound is also in on the whole thing and is in fact double bluffing, it’s officially NOT a publicity stunt. That said, it’s generating an awful amount of publicity.

So what does the latest round of Wiggins vs Froome mean?

Firstly, I don’t think anyone should realistically be surprised by Wiggins’ comments (least of all Chris Froome) - he’s obviously a very competitive person and likes the attention of the media, when it suits him. Wiggins could be trying to ramp up the pressure on his team mate, in the hope that the pressure will cause Froome to stumble on his way to Tour glory. I personally don’t think this will work though - Froome always seems very cool and calculating. More so, It’s likely that Wiggins really believes he can do the Giro/Tour double - achieving it is another matter, but he clearly believes he’s physically capable of the feat, if the cards fall correctly. Athletes careers are short, and Wiggins is in his prime - now is the time to capitalise on his talents and hard work. He’s being selfish, but we should expect that of an elite athlete - he’s making the calculation.

From Froomes point of view, he’s won the most races so far this season and is clearly on the Team Sky pathway to Le Tour. This year Froome has proven beyond reasonable doubt that he can lead Team Sky to victory against the best GC riders in the current peloton. Personally, I don’t think Froome will be too concerned - remembering last years Tour, I’m sure this year Froome will not wait for Wiggins in the mountains should a similar situation arise. Finally, Froome has been ‘been reassured by the management’.

The problem for the other teams is trying to get a mention from the cycling media - it’s almost as if Froome and Wiggins are the only two racing Le Tour for the GC at the moment. Nibali is being touted a public enemy number one for the Giro, but Contador hasn’t had good sensations so far this year, so the expected Froome vs Contador Tour battle royale doesn’t yet look very exciting. In essence, all sports love great rivalries and so it’s no revelation that all this penis waving in the media is generating so many column inches… Ahem.

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The Chopper

There are a lot of Choppers in London - summed up well by the great twitter account @ChopperCyclist:

‘Very powerful sprinter aiming for the pro peleton. I can be found in the garage and in a Tesco car park near you!’

(Note satirically incorrect spelling of ‘Peloton’). Chopper cyclists have terrible bike handling skills, can only ride fast for 100m, jump all red lights, wear shorts through the winter (with neoprene overshoes for extra points), piss off other road users with their bad behaviour, sit on your wheel for as long as possible before sprinting through the next red light.

I even recently had a Chopper sit on my wheel for a couple of km’s, before ‘coming through’ for 150m and flicking the elbow - indicating we are apparently now riding together, and so I should contribute to the pace setting. Fuck you Chopper.

Worst of all, they always have poorly maintained, loud, dirty racing bikes - usually with some crazy customisations.

Yesterday I saw a Chopper that really had it all. I couldn’t take a picture, as I was also riding, but here is the specification (100% true):

Giant Defy (aluminium) 2010 Frame - dirty yellow/white
Shimano Sora Groupset (triple chainset - with unbranded/stealth OSYMETRIC BIG RING!!!!!!)
Williams 60mm Carbon Clincher rear wheel, w/Gatorskin tyre
Dirty low profile, aluminium front wheel.
Mudguards
XXL saddle bag
Mountain bike pedals/shoes
1990’s lycra shorts (plus crazy hairy legs, obviously)
Reflective snap-on ankle wraps
Hi Viz backpack cover

This guy had it all. I wish I could have taken a picture - it was the best Chopper i’ve ever seen, and he had the bike handling skills to match. The triple chainset/Osymetric combo was really something special. I’ve no doubt he has a lovely set of tri-bars stashed away somewhere for when he wants to go really fast…

2013-04-27

NO HEADPHONES WHILST RIDING.

Look at this thundercunt… Unfortunately, idiots like this are two a fucking penny in London. It’s not just you’re own worthless life you’re putting in danger, it’s every other cyclist trying to overtake you and your slow, creaky ‘racing’ bike. If cycling is so boring you can’t even do it without listening to shitty club music, do me a favour and piss off.

2013-04-01

streetpussy:

We would like to show you something we have been working on for a while.

We have always been fascinated by the escort cards you find in London phone boxes and thought it would be fun to make some Street Pussy ones, since cats are always prowling the streets.

Source: streetpussy

2013-02-25

During the Cold War, the mathematician John von Neumann, working at the RAND Corporation in the United States, used Game Theory to demonstrate that the only way to ensure international stability was to stockpile nuclear weapons. He called the policy ‘Mutually Assured Destruction’ (MAD). The US started an arms race, in which both sides built up huge quantities of nuclear weapons, to ensure that a nuclear war would result in ‘the complete, utter and irrevocable annihilation of both attacker and defender.’ Thus neither side would attack, and peace and stability would arise as a result.

Von Neumann and his fellow mathematicians at RAND thought that the ideal solution to the nuclear war problem (that both sides would completely disarm) was flawed and unrealistic, because there was no way of knowing what your opponent would do. This became known as the Prisoner’s Dilemma; if you betray your opponent you would always end up with something, whereas if you choose to cooperate you risk losing everything if your opponent betrays you. Thus the rational player would betray their opponent every single time. John Nash (another RAND mathematician, later depicted in the film A Beautiful Mind) even devised a game, which he called ‘Fuck You Buddy.’ It revolved around the Prisoner’s Dilemma, and made the assumption that all human beings are self-serving, rational beings, who will always act to maximize their own self interest.

For a while, it seemed the mathematicians were right - nuclear war was avoided and eventually the Cold War ended. The work done by Von Neumann, Nash and others at RAND would then go on to have profound effects on future governments, economists and even cycling. In fact, it can help to explain why cycling took the path it did after the Festina affair in 1998. At that point, the ideal solution would have been for everyone to stop taking the illegal and potentially dangerous drugs. But Armstrong’s actions, born out of his entrenched paranoia about human nature, plunged the sport deeper in to the dark than it had ever been. Just like the Cold War, Armstrong had started an arms race. But this time, the primary weapons were EPO and blood manipulation.

Tyler Hamilton tells us in his book, The Secret Race, that Lance Armstrong’s golden rule was: “whatever you do, those other fuckers are doing more.” Hamilton also describes how Armstrong had an extreme personality, as if the world was completely black and white. Like Nash, Armstrong saw the world as a ruthless Darwinian system, where everyone was working solely to further their own ambitions. The results were incredible; Armstrong went on to win an unprecedented seven Tours De France in a row, from 1999-2005. It ushered in a new era of stability and global popularity for cycling, which in turn brought huge amounts of money and influence to those in power.

But in late 2012 USADA finally caught up with Armstrong and revealed to the world what they called “the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme that sport has ever seen”. The affidavits of former teammates and rivals signaled how cyclists had been coerced and bullied in to betraying each other by Armstrong. Following his admission to Oprah, it is transparently clear that Armstrong feels little remorse for his actions, because he likely feels that he acted in a rational manner.

There is a major problem with all of the theories however. When the mathematicians at RAND tested the game on their secretaries they found that they always chose to cooperate with each other. It seemed that the game theorists view of the world did not concur with the way human beings actually preferred to act in the real world. Like Armstrong, Nash had begun to behave erratically and also displayed signs of extreme paranoia. He had been having visions of people who did not exist, and thought that all men who wore red ties were communists and were involved in conspiracy against him. In 1959 he was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

The real world was not like Armstrong and Nash had thought it was. In reality, humans nearly always choose to behave altruistically, but Armstrong used his powerful personality and political connections to subvert this urge. He has destroyed dreams and careers, and has led to the biggest scandal the sport has ever seen – the whole situation is MAD.

2013-01-04

Rapha is one of those companies divides opinions - most seem to either love them or hate them. So it’s perhaps no surprise then that the new Sky Pro Cycling kit, made by Rapha, has caused quite a stir in the cycling world already (it was revealed earlier today). Opinions range from saying Rapha are lazy (it’s quite similar to last years Addidas kit), to people saying it’s their favourite cycling kit ever.

Usually, with Rapha, i’d be somewhere in the middle of that scale. Their products have always been nicely designed, high quality garments, with cool (pretentious?) added touches that distinguished them from other brands - albeit this has always come at a premium price point (they’re a British ASSOS essentially - no bad thing). But i’ve also found them, at times, a little dull, a little pompous and, mainly, far too expensive for my budget - I can get a lot of London Dynamo (my club) kit for the same price as one Rapha Pro jersey. The Grand Tour shoes are everything I think is great about them, but the Rapha/Chris King Espresso Tamper is ridiculous.

This time though, I think Rapha have really hit the nail on the head. The Sky kit looks extremely classy, perfectly functional and is a really strong continuation of the Sky Pro Cycling brand. A look-book, shot by the brilliant Emily Maye, accompanies the launch and really compliments the new pieces. Personally, I think it’s great that Sky have chosen to support a British company like Rapha for their kit, and it looks like it’s a gamble that will pay dividends for both parties. No doubt the decision to release cheaper (fan) versions of the kit will prove to be a wise one, as the replica team kit is priced to match it’s place in the cycling world.

Bravo Rapha.

2012-12-14

43.23°N, 5.94°W

2012-11-29

46.53°N, 10.45°E

2012-11-28

In addition to the aero helmet, Boardman also used a skinsuit with the zip on the back - just like the ‘super hi-tech’ Team GB skinsuits we saw at the London 2012 olympics. I can’t personally remember any other nation using this design at the olympics, but as we can plainly see, it’s not a recent innovation.

*EDIT* 15/12/2012- It has since been pointed out to me that teams with Bio-Racer kit (Germany/Belgium/Holland) also used this design at the London 2012 Olympics - thanks youcantbuyland for the tip.

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Chris Boardman with an aero road helmet, during testing for his hour record in 2000.

Aero road helmets, as we see in the image, are en vogue at the moment - famously Mark Cavendish used a customised aero helmet cover during his World Championship victory in 2011, and Team Sky have made much use of them throughout the year (including Wiggins’ historic 2012 Tour de France victory). British Cycling, lead by Peter Keen and now Dave Brailsford, have been doing this kind of thing for well over a decade now, only recently have other nations seemingly begun to come round to this ‘marginal gains’ way of thinking.